understanding someone
What does it mean to understand a person? I ask myself this question because I wish most for someone to understand me fully and share my best interests. I wish there were a person whom I felt it was alright to share everything with. I wish, and yet the moment I do I regret it. In fact, I should have titled this as "Impossible Wishes" instead. Because the time I did "completely" trust someone, I realized that my world was completely skewed. Maybe fault was with me, them, or society itself, even. It's hard to write it so that only people who understand will know, and people who don't will still get a general idea. Let's start with the beginning. When I met this person, I barely knew them. However, we became close at some point. Then, our friendship began to deepen, and I shared some of my darkest days with them. (I say it like this, in this tone of voice, because I am not sure if they ever returned the favor, so to speak) However, the relationship was broken soon. The first notable cracks appeared, but I did not address them and naively believed that I didn't have to conform to the expectations of those around me. The cracks deepened, and I began to doubt their words and actions. Not that it was their sudden change of habit, but rather a general feeling which I had been disregarding. I had disregarded it because they told me that it wasn't true, and I believed it. Honestly. How much more pathetic and naive can I get? Looking back, there were so many signs. So why, even now, am I doubting myself? I still want to believe that they had good intentions. After all, I certainly hope so. However, I cannot seem to let go of those events which unfolded during those anticlimactic months. It's a shadow, it's a phantom, hanging over my everyday life like a shroud of rain slowly suffocating me. Maybe it's just that I've become more observant or more withdrawn since then, but I had sensed something different since the entire situation was unfolding. Introspectively, I look back on the events of every day, harshly judging myself for my poor social interactions. Something I've realized since then is that people who are driven by the need for attention are absolutely disgusting, especially if they act wildly to attract the attention of others. However, it seems that I also crave attention. I crave attention because I want someone to listen to me, to pay attention to me, to love and care for me. A "thing" which I noticed recently is that among the circle of people that I surround myself with, there is still a hierarchy. In this hierarchy, social adeptness equals friends and popularity, which equals power. Yes, the concept of power is strange. In this scenario, social adeptness basically is equivalent to influence. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- We grew apart. I didn’t set boundaries, and that shaped the dynamic. I realize I'm still chasing someone, or something, to fix a part of me I haven’t healed. "You know what, who cares for how others see me? Let me live for myself!" This, I believe, is what the universe was trying to teach me. It's a fucking shame that I'm bad at learning, then.