Yes, bottle it up for me please
u never initiate conversations with me anymore, why am i so broken? i’m acting pathetically, like a fucking ex desperate as hell. i feel so shitty. i really, really miss you more than i ever loved, hated, or missed him in my entire life. why does the absence of both of your love leave me so empty why can’t we turn the dial back and laugh again? oh, i miss you so much do i miss you, or do i miss our friendship, or our laughter, or your attention? ah, i don’t know. i don’t know if i miss him, his love, or his safe space i felt comfortable crying in, even if it was only through the internet, even if i cant bear to do anything in person other than avoid your gaze now heenghngh… why can’t i feel the same way for anyone else as i used to love both of you?? i dont even feel like saying anything anymore, not to anyone, because i can’t to you and i don’ know who else i could… but at the same time, i feel so guilty, because there are people who want to genuinely connect more with me yet i cant bring myself to, because i still have holes wide open and i .. i can’t close the gaps you’ve left behind i wonder, at the end of our friendship back then, did you only still hand me your attention because i was still in contact with him? was it because he also saw me then, was my worth determined by his opinion of me? maybe… and i know you’ll deny it, maybe even be hurt by me, and maybe i'm just, you know, a shitty friend like that. maybe it's all in my head? i'm going crazy. i keep slamming the doors on anyone who tries to poke at my heart, even if they do so with concern, disgusting sneers i can almost visualize in the back of their eyes in every hole in their letters, every hole in their o’s and p’s and r’s and e’s and b’s and p’s… there’s not enough black thread in the world to sew them back up again so i might as well give the fuck up while i’m still afloat, hanging by a single, thin, black thread just let me fucking rot.